Monday, March 6, 2000 1:00 amAlex Ponders...There is beauty in power. You knew it would take a Toreador to find it, the Ventrue seek it for the sense of control not the beauty. Yes, there is danger as well. But I, who has lived in danger and in the shadow of power, have never before had control. Ah, but you ask how that control, that power affects me. That is a question worth reflection. Everything has been happening so quickly, I have scarce taken the time to meditate on what this change means and how it will truly affect me. The Sabbat attack, Mallory's embrace, the diablerie, the council seat, Raphè...my head spins just to list these events. Perhaps an evening with Samantha, a quiet evening, to align my thoughts, clarify my path. I must call her first thing tomorrow evening to arrange it. There are too many of our perceived enemies working together for it to be just chance. Portia must be behind these dealings somehow. Why would Kevin Jackson take such care to hide his illegitimate childe for so long just to hand him over for a month's supply of guns? What could possibly motivate him to do so, if he even realizes he's been motivated? Perhaps it would be worth it to try learning what his thoughts are, even if he's not so keen on my company. All I do know is that Jackson's childe can not be allowed to assist Portia, the ROC, or the Technocracy. I have much blood on my hands recently and I have a feeling they will not soon be clean. So be it. I took on the possibility of this when I accepted the mantle of power. Ah, yes, the power... What else do I have? I must struggle to remain at the level of my "peers". Those who have generations on me, I who have worked hard to hope to be their equal. It is true that I have heightened my senses to the point that I can sharpen them no further. This has been my ally, but to the detriment of other abilities is to be seen. I do feel stronger, I have more fortitude to face these upcoming challenges. But to what end, I must wonder. Will I persevere only to meet my final death? Will I lead Raphe, unwittingly, to his own end? I wonder if I would be able to bring him to me as I did Juan at that time. I also wonder what the Embrace would do to Raphè. Would he be as bitter as Mallory at the loss of his avatar? I certainly wouldn't blame him, it would be a double blow to lose his life and his avatar at once. Ah, but perhaps survival should be foremost in my mind these dangerous, bloody nights. Who am I fooling? As if I could keep this romantic soul on politics alone! Danger, yes. What could be more romantic than danger? I must call Sam, she's always been able to help me sort myself out. Let me see...shall we find out what's behind door number 1?
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